I asked God to break me.
Little did I know then what the consequences of that prayer would be.
I asked God to break me before Him. To create an environment where He was all that I had and He was all that I needed. I wanted to grow in huge ways in a short amount of time. I wanted to feel the presence of God like never before.
Out of the blue, life took its toll and left me alone and hurting. Due to life circumstances outside of my control, life took a turn that scared me. It left me anxious, worrisome, and restless. As I continued to live in the midst of my circumstances, God began to speak to me. For awhile I blatantly distracted myself and ignored Him, but He kept pressing.
I would be reading my Bible and have a complete epiphany about what God was doing in my life, or a worship song would just strike the right chord (pun intended), or I would be praying (I like to write out my prayers) and as I would write, God would reveal things to me.
Well, my most recent revelation came the other night as I sat and prayed. I suddenly sat straight up and thought. I asked for this. I asked for the loneliness. I asked for the pain. I asked for all of these awful things.
I asked to be wrecked. And God… my amazing God… answered my prayer.
What a brat. No one can ever say Jesus didn’t have a sense of humor. THIS is how he decides to answer my prayer, seriously?
Thank you Jesus. You have brought me to a beautiful place of brokenness. A place where all I have is you and it is beautiful. I am growing, really growing. I am finding Shalom. I am ministering to those around me in a pure way. I am learning how to deal with difficult seasons. You are preparing me for unknown circumstances in the future. I am so blessed beyond words, and God I thank you!
God began telling me that my pain was for a reason. My suffering was creating a life of reliance on him and a beauty that comes with wisdom. Did I want all of these awful things to happen? Of course not. Did I want to feel the emotion, spiritual, and physical pain that I have the past few months? Oh my, no. They have been awful. But it was a necessary growing season.
So what can you do with your life circumstances?
1 Embrace them. Life likes to swerve and often leaves us on our knees. When these difficult times have hit me, it feels like a slap in the face. The constant reminder that joy and contentment are a choice, not a result of my circumstances, keeps me clinging to Jesus as the source of these things. Choose to embrace the suffering and what God has blessed you with. God is refining you out of His love for you and when you can stop and see the beauty through the pain, growth has begun. God is asking you to depend on Him and to rest in His presence. When life is good we can start to take God for granted. I know that God has said to me “If I took this away, you wouldn’t be depending on me.” He has asked me to endure this, and He is refining me through it. I have the rough and horrible days that leave me wondering if I can make it one more day. But, when those moments hit I immediately find a piano or walk outside and just worship. Praise God for who he is and what He has done. I remind myself of truth. I let wise people in my life remind me of truth.
2 Pray about them. I cannot stress prayer enough. God has been so faithful to answer my prayers (as hard as that has been). He listens, He cares, and He wants to work in you and on your behalf. With this being said, maybe we need to stop praying for the solution and start asking God for his presence. God’s main priority isn’t our happiness, although it is important to Him. His main priority is you having peace in His presence. We tend to try to tell God the “right answer” to our problems or our pain. It is like a slap in the face to God and who He is. Pray for His presence.
3 Allow God to work through your pain. Suffering and pain creates an ability to empathize with others. He doesn’t automatically take away our struggles but He encourages us through them. He holds us. Speak truth to yourself. Allow God to work in odd and awesome ways. Trust me. . . He will.
I have been tracking my health journey on an instagram account and God has opened so many doors. He has allowed me to empathize with others and encourage them in the Lord. When feeling useless due to medical things, this is one “unorthodox” way that I have found to minister to others. On one of my recent posts I wrote this:
“When I look back on the past month of my life I see a lot of hurt. A lot of extreme pain. Debilitating fatigue. Fevers. 5 hour “naps”. Tears. Migraines and headaches. Blood work, tests, doctors offices. So much time in bed. Defeat. And it is so easy to get my mind caught up in all of this. It is so easy to feel defeated. To feel devoured. But then I remind myself of truth. HERE is truth:
-I am loved by the creator of the universe.
-I am created as an image-bearer of God.
-God’s plans are to give me a hope and a future.
-God is for me, He is not against me.
-Hope is not a fantasy.
-God did not wish this upon me, but He is using it for His glory and He is refining me through it.
-God is still good.
-God is still in control.
-Suffering is a part of sins grasp on this world, not because God created it or wanted it.
-Gods grace is overwhelming and beautiful and it is real in my life.
-God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind.
-God gives me the strength to face tomorrow.
-EVEN THIS can be used to glorify God and to draw others to Him.
-God is faithful, he will never leave me, he will never let me down.
It is so very easy to let life get you down and depressed and anxious. But God has such a better plan for you and for your life.
James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Other relating verses: Romans 8:26,28 , 2 Corinthians 1:3-4; 12:9-10